You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and, for a split second, you forget who you are? Not in the amnesia kind of way, but in the “oh, right, I’m a mom” kind of way. It's like there’s a hidden contract, one you didn’t read thoroughly before signing, that says, "Welcome to motherhood. Here are the tools you need to be great at it, but you’ll have to give up a few things along the way."
Take a moment, breathe in. Remember that YOU were once something other than a mom. You were a woman, a person with goals, a career, a dream. You had thoughts that weren’t interrupted by the question, “What’s for dinner?” or “Can I have another snack?”
And yet, somewhere between the sleepless nights, the endless lists, and the overwhelming pressure to be everything to everyone, you gave up parts of yourself. And it feels like an unspoken rule: the more you give away, the better of a mom you are.
But what if that’s the real question?
The truth is, somewhere along the line, society decided that mothers must morph into some new, flawless version of themselves. The version that devotes every waking moment to their children, with no room left for personal ambition or the occasional indulgence in their own dreams. It's as if becoming a mother means you need to abandon your true self in order to fit the mold of the perfect, selfless mom. The kind of mom who wakes up at 5 a.m. to get a head start on everything, all the while forgetting what it’s like to be her own person.
And then there’s the weird, invisible divide between the moms who are “good at” motherhood and the moms who are “good at” working. The working moms? Well, they must not love being mothers as much as they love their jobs, right? A mom who thrives in her career must be choosing work over family. But the stay-at-home mom, the one who’s truly dedicated, who lives for playdates and school projects, they must not understand the pull of a fulfilling career outside the home. The judgment is baked into every whispered conversation.
Here’s the kicker, though: I don’t know any mom who hasn’t felt like she’s failing at least once a week. Whether she works, stays at home, or does a little of both, it’s impossible to meet the societal standards of perfection without breaking a few pieces of yourself along the way. So, we apologize. We apologize when we’re late, when we’re tired, when we want something for ourselves. We’ve signed up for this, haven’t we? To give and give until there’s nothing left, and somehow, in the process, we’ve convinced ourselves that that’s the price of being a "good" mother.
We decide we want to take a paint class but the schedule conflicts with one of kids T-Ball game, so we miss it to only hear the whispers from others, “How selfish” “Shouldn’t your kids come first” “wow, she wins mom of the year award” and you wonder, Why is it that wanting a bit of me-time comes with so much judgment? And more importantly, will there ever be a way to honor both yourself and your children without being torn apart in the process?
But are we just fooling ourselves?
Motherhood doesn’t have to mean the extinction of your personal dreams, but the world seems to suggest otherwise. If you want to be a "good" mom, you should want to let go of your individuality. It’s like society has built an identity for moms that’s simultaneously exhausting and impossible to live up to and we all silently agree to play the part. But in the process, is there any room for the woman you used to be? Or is the price of being a *good* mother truly the abandonment of everything you ever thought you wanted?
Here’s the question we don’t often ask: Can we be true to ourselves and still be the perfect mom, or are we doomed to forever give away pieces of who we are, in exchange for the title of "Mom"?
Just a thought.
Love, Kelsey